Hands Down the Most Effective Way to Create Connection in Conversation
Ever find yourself saying “I hear you,” but she’s looking at you like you just spoke another language? That's because she doesn't FEEL heard.
If you’re having arguments in your marriage, it’s typically because your partner doesn’t feel understood. If so, keep reading.
Not married? Use this with your boss or coworkers. Let’s go…
As a reminder, I’m doing a four-part series on PAID TO, the men's framework I teach inside of the Lion's Den Program to help transform emotional conversations into meaningful connection.
Here's what PAID TO stands for:
P - Pause
A - Acknowledge
I - Inquire
D - Demonstrate
T - Thank
O - Offer
Master this and everything changes.
In the last two newsletters we explored how Pausing gives you time to respond (not react), Acknowledging the other person's feelings builds a bridge (instead of defending), and Inquiring is asking an open ended question to make them feel heard (instead of waiting for your turn to talk). If you missed it, go here for Part 2.
Now, let’s dive into Step 4: Demonstrate—because this is where the MONEY is when it comes to conversations with her.
It's also the most difficult to pull off.
Step 4: DEMONSTRATE – Reflecting What You’ve Heard
Sounds simple, right? If it were, we wouldn’t need an entire newsletter about it. Demonstrating understanding means you’re reflecting back what your wife has shared, showing her that you’ve truly listened and that her words didn’t just go in one ear and out the other.
It’s not about being a parrot. It’s about being a mirror. Let me explain.
What Demonstrating Looks Like
Demonstrating is repeating her feelings in your own words so she knows you actually get it.
Her: “I feel like I’m the only one keeping this family running, and I’m exhausted.”
You (Demonstrating): “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed, like you’re carrying all the weight on your own, and it’s wearing you down, is that right?”
Her: “You never listen when I tell you something important!”
You (Demonstrating): “It sounds like you’re feeling unheard and frustrated because you don’t think I’ve been paying attention, is that accurate?”
Notice how the focus stays on her emotions, not on defending yourself or explaining your intentions? That’s the key.
Now here's the deal. You want to ask at the end of demonstrating.. "is that right?" or "is that accurate?". Why? Because you want to get confirmation from her. Expect her to say "No, that's not what I'm saying... "
When she does this simply start the process over of Pausing, Acknowledging, Inquiring and then Demonstrating again.
"Oh, ok so what I think I'm starting to understand is that you feel unseen for all of the work that you're doing and that makes you feel unloved, is that right?"
"Yes."
Boom.
Why Demonstrating Works
Reflective listening creates a connection. It shows her that:
1. You value what she’s feeling.
2. You’re not just waiting for your turn to speak.
3. You’re capable of handling her emotions without getting defensive.
The key is to try and get to the root of how she's feeling and not stay on the surface.
Don't say "It sounds like you really want me to remember to take the trash out so that the house stays clean."
A better way is "So what I'm hearing is me remembering to take the trash out makes you feel loved because acts of service are your love language, is that right?"
Common Pitfalls (and How to Avoid Them)
1. Don’t Be a Parrot
Repeating her exact words verbatim is lazy and will probably annoy her. Instead, put it in your own words to show you’re processing what she’s saying.
2. Avoid Jumping to Solutions
Don’t follow up with “But what if you just…” or “I don’t think that’s fair…” That’s a one-way ticket to Argument City.
3. Resist the Urge to Defend Yourself
If her words feel like a jab, remember: this isn’t about you right now. It’s about her feeling heard.
Why Demonstrating Is Hard (But Worth It)
Let’s be real: when you’re in a heated conversation, demonstrating understanding can feel like trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time. Your brain wants to defend, explain, or maybe just check out altogether.
But when you stay present and reflect her emotions back to her, you’re showing strength and leadership. You’re saying, “I’m here, and I care enough to understand you.”
And guess what? That’s often enough to defuse the tension and start a real conversation.
The Wind Meets the Sail Again
Think of demonstrating like adjusting your sail to the wind. You’re not trying to fight her emotions or steer against them. You’re aligning yourself with where she’s coming from to move forward together.
Put It Into Practice
This week, practice demonstrating in every emotional conversation. Here’s the formula:
1. Pause: Don't react, wait for 3 seconds.
2. Acknowledge: Recognize her feelings, even if you don't agree, by saying "I can see that."
3. Inquire: You might say "Can you share more?" or "Help me understand what you're feeling."
3. Demonstrate: Reflect her words back in your own.
Pay attention to how her tone shifts when she feels truly understood.
Demonstrating understanding is where trust starts to rebuild. It’s where connection deepens. And it’s the step that turns emotional conflict into meaningful partnership.
In the next newsletter, we’ll move on to the “T” in PAID TO: Thank—because gratitude is the glue that keeps it all together.
If you’re ready to learn how to master these skills and create lasting change in your relationship, join the Lion’s Den Program today. Let’s get to work.
