Part 2: Turning Conflict Into Connection Through Curiosity
Ever find yourself reacting? If you're having arguments in your marriage, it's typically because you are not truly listening. If so, keep reading. Not married? Use this at work with clients or customers. Let's go...
As a reminder, I'm doing a four part series on PAID TO, the framework to help transform emotional conversations into meaningful connection.
P - Pause
A - Acknowledge
I - Inquire
D - Demonstrate
T - Thank
O - Offer
Feeling heard means everything in relationship. When people don't feel heard, they leave. As in separation and divorce.
Last week another member in the Lion's Den Program prevented separation and divorce by practicing the step I'm about to explain.
In the last newsletter, we explored how Pausing gives you a few seconds to respond (not react) and Acknowledging builds a bridge. If you need a refresher, go here for Part 1.
Now, let’s dive into the third step: Inquire. This step is where real transformation happens - when you move from defensiveness to curiosity.
Step 3: INQUIRE – Asking to Understand, Not Defend
Once you’ve paused to steady yourself and acknowledged her feelings, the next move is to inquire. Instead of making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, ask questions that help you truly understand her perspective. Inquiry shows your partner that you care about her experience and that you’re willing to dig deeper—not to defend your position, but to connect with hers.
This step flips the script. Instead of reacting to what you think she’s saying, you’re showing that her thoughts and emotions matter to you. This shift from conflict to curiosity is often enough to de-escalate tension and open the door to meaningful dialogue.
What Inquiry Looks Like
The key to inquiry is asking open-ended questions that invite your partner to share more. These aren’t questions that trap or lead like "why can't you just relax?"; they’re questions that uncover. Some examples might include:
“Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling right now?”
“What’s the hardest part of this for you?”
“How can I support you in this?”
or simply "Say more."
Notice how these questions aren’t about you—they’re about her. This keeps the focus on connection instead of confrontation.
Why Inquiry Works
When emotions are high, what your partner often needs isn’t your solution—it’s your curiosity. By inquiring, you’re saying, “I care enough to try to see the world through your eyes.” This creates safety, which is essential for emotional intimacy.
Remember, the goal isn’t to solve the problem right away—it’s to understand it. Understanding comes before resolution.
How to Handle Resistance
Sometimes, when you first start to inquire, your partner might be skeptical. Maybe she’s used to you defending yourself or shutting down, and this new approach feels unexpected. That’s okay. Stay consistent. Keep your questions open and your tone calm. Over time, your genuine curiosity will break through the walls that conflict builds.
Inquire Without an Agenda
The magic of inquiry lies in its sincerity. Don’t ask questions just to set up your own point or to “win” the conversation. She’ll see right through that, and it will backfire. Instead, focus on truly understanding her perspective, even if it feels uncomfortable.
The Wind Meets the Sail Again
Inquiring is like adjusting your sail to align with the wind. You’re not resisting the force—you’re learning how to harness it. By asking thoughtful, open questions, you guide the conversation forward instead of being swept away by its intensity.
Put It Into Practice
Next time you’re in a heated conversation, after you pause and acknowledge, move into inquiry. Try one of the open-ended questions above and notice how it shifts the energy. Pay attention to how her tone changes when she feels like you’re truly listening and curious about her experience.
Curiosity Turns Emotion Into Connection
When you inquire, you’re not just asking questions—you’re creating an opportunity for deeper connection. You’re showing her that you’re strong enough to stay steady in the storm and present enough to want to understand her inner world.
Stay tuned for the next step in the PAID TO framework, where we’ll explore demonstrating understanding and how it brings the conversation full circle.
If you’re ready to learn more about mastering these skills and becoming a better man, partner, and leader, join the Lion’s Den Program today or take the free assessment and book a discovery call to learn how to rebuild your connection faster than you ever thought possible.
