You likely married her for the wrong reason, but it may not matter. Here's what does.
Most married men think they chose their wife because of romantic chemistry—there was a connection.
But men, like women, don't go on connection alone.
She has to be a good partner.
But here's the question: a good partner for what?
On the other side of that question may lie an unexpected answer.
Marriage can feel like buying a new car and trying to maintain it without a manual. Never have I wanted to spray the ceiling with an AK-47 more than when I’ve tried replacing the alternator on my Land Rover—or reasoning with a triggered wife.
So why do men buy into marriage in the first place?
Simple. The pursuit of paradise.
The allure of marriage lies in the promise of unconditional love, acceptance, sex, family, security, and status.
From CEOs to custodians, nearly everyone is in pursuit of the paradise that marriage promises.
Hence, nearly 70% of people in the U.S. dive in and tie the knot.
But if you feel like you're drowning, you're not alone.
The problem may not be your wife or you, but your perspective.
“We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.”
― Albert Einstein
By shifting your perspective, the foundation of your marriage could change forever.
Let's look at three different perspectives: the cultural, psychological, and spiritual pursuit of paradise in marriage.
The Cultural Pursuit of Paradise in Marriage
You got married to have a partner, lover, friend, and companion. To build a family. All of this is good.
In fact, nothing is better than a big, happy family.
The problem is, you were sold a lie.
The lie is that if you simply provide, avoid rocking the boat, she’ll be happy, you’ll be happy, and life will be conquered.
It seems simple at first.
But she’s not happy, and you can’t figure out why.
Here’s one reason:
A man's value to society comes from how much he can produce.
You find meaning in providing for your family, so you focus on work because your work makes people happy and enables dreams to come true.
Meanwhile, you drop the ball at home.
Maybe you're emotionally unavailable, or you're too emotional, coming home to complain about work.
But she complains too. And she doesn't seem to appreciate all that you do, which leads to resentment.
You end up defending yourself or sweeping things under the rug.
That's when you realize—you can’t provide your way to paradise in marriage.
The harsh truth is that the marriage Hollywood sold you doesn’t exist.
And the reason things are so complicated is because your subconscious has a hidden agenda.
The Psychological Pursuit of Paradise in Marriage
Ever get triggered around your wife?
Of course, you do.
You take things personally because you deeply want your partner’s approval.
And you’ve got a subconscious agenda to work out your childhood trauma with your wife.
You may have been attracted to her because she gives you something you didn't receive during childhood.
For example, if you felt weak or powerless as a child, you might marry a woman who seems to need a "rescuer" to feel strong and adequate as a man.
The bottom line is that we’re all subconsciously trying to reach paradise by working out childhood fears and insecurities with our adult partner—who is simultaneously doing the same thing.
This is why learning about attachment styles or seeing a therapist can be helpful.
Subconsciously, we’re seeking secure attachment with our partners while taking cues from our insecurities.
The reason you get so triggered is that you’re reliving the past—a past you were often too young to remember or understand.
This is why marriage and family therapists exist.
The key takeaway is that by becoming more self-aware, you can see how both you and your partner are acting out of fear, allowing you to make healthier changes.
By becoming secure in your emotional attachment, you can start to experience the paradise promised by marriage.
But it goes even deeper—if you're willing to travel further down the rabbit hole.
The Spiritual Pursuit of Paradise in Marriage
A loveless marriage isn’t much of a marriage at all.
Which is why the Bible’s most popular definition of love, found in 1 Corinthians 13, is read at so many weddings.
Here’s what it says:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
As my friend Weyman says, love is something you have to practice. It doesn’t always come naturally to us.
If you chose to marry, at least from a biblical perspective, you signed up for a process of refinement.
This mirrors the entire biblical story.
In its simplest form, the Bible story can be explained like this:
1. Creation: The earth is created along with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. It's paradise.
2. The Fall: Adam bites the apple to please his wife, and they are exiled from the garden. Paradise lost.
3. The Law: God gives Moses laws for the Israelites, but no one can follow them perfectly.
4. The Messiah: Jesus teaches that the way to Heaven is through dying to our sinful nature and committing our lives to Him. He dies on the cross to pay for our sins out of love.
5. The New Creation: Jesus is resurrected, and we become a new creation. He will return to bring about a new heaven and earth—a return to paradise.
Now, compare this to the five stages of a relationship:
1. Honeymoon Stage: Full of passion, but often idealized. The couple may not fully see each other's flaws. This is a taste of paradise.
2. Power Struggle Stage: Conflicts arise as reality sets in. The couple must work through their differences. Exiled from paradise.
3. Stability Stage: Acceptance grows, and the relationship becomes more stable, though some find it less exciting. Partners set boundaries, which are inevitably broken.
4. Commitment Stage: The couple commits to one another, building trust and lasting connection. They must die to their old ways to create something new.
5. Co-Creation/Bliss Stage: The couple evolves into a mature partnership, creating something larger together—like a family or shared goals. This is the paradise couples seek.
The part we often avoid—or try to skip over—is dying to self.
But let’s be clear: this doesn’t mean suppressing your needs or desires.
For men, dying to self means confronting the fears and insecurities that stand in the way of unconditional love and true intimacy.
It’s about letting go of the ego-driven need to control, to be right, or to protect ourselves from vulnerability.
True strength in marriage isn’t found in trying to win the battle or outmaneuver your partner—it’s found in surrendering to love.
The kind of love that is patient, kind, and not self-seeking. The kind of love that requires sacrifice, but brings with it the paradise we’re all truly seeking.
The journey to that paradise isn’t easy. It requires commitment, self-awareness, and a willingness to grow together, even when it’s hard.
But in embracing that journey, you unlock the possibility of experiencing a depth of connection, trust, and fulfillment that far exceeds the fleeting excitement of the honeymoon stage.
Paradise isn’t a place you stumble upon—it’s something you build, brick by brick, with love as the foundation. So the question becomes: are you ready to do the work to create it?
The fastest way for men to do the work is by entering the Lion's Den Program.
